September 16, 2020

Children’s Series: Leave For The Children

“If you are entangled with a narcissist it is best to leave for the children” 

Welcome! This court is in session for another blog post in The Family Court Changes as we aim to change the way the Family court handles high conflict divorce by educating  you about narcissism and the games NARCs play so we can diminish the  damaging effects the narcissists  cause on you and the children when you appear in family court.

Today you will step into the truth by educating you about the reality of the the family court system today. A staggering number of judges, attorneys, custody evaluators, psychologists, school counselors and guardians ad litem are blind to the presence of narcissistic personality disorder and thus become unwittingly (or, in some cases, even wittingly) duped by the NARC’s false persona – – to your children’s or your detriment. Custody and family court battles involving NARCs are almost always protracted, some lasting years.  This negatively affects the children as they are thrown into constant chaos and conflict making conflict a  normal part of a relationship and their life. So you must be prepared before stepping into the family court system. NBG! can prepare you!

So for today’s topic…. “Leave for the children”

Some people say to stay for the children’s sake however, studies show you must leave for the children sake. Growing up in a narcissistic home can have damaging effects on children. It is important to know that research indicates that children need only one healthy parent in a stable home. A parent that is emotionally well-balanced and grounded.

So why can living with a narcissist be some damaging….

Narcissism is a word used by many and understood by few. Here at NBG! we have simplified narcissism and  moving forward we will refer to the narcissist as a “NARC”.

5 words.

“Cannot see emotional needs” of anyone including you and your children.

That’s why we say NARC is Not A Real Connection.

“NARC”- is gender neutral and someone who does not see emotional needs of anyone, including you and your children. 

You might believe it is best for you to stay in the marriage for the best intersst of the children and the truth.

According to Dr Karyl McBride, founder of international narc and author of numerous books on the subject of narcissism, NARcs have a detrimental effect on their children. You might think it is in the best interest of the child to stay living with the emotionally unhealthy parent. In truth children need one emotionally healthy adult. Research has shown that a child being raised in a home of conflict with a NARC has detrimental effects on his well being. Truth is kids need one healthy parent. Residing that with healthy parent at least 50% can be sufficient enough to allow the child to grow up into a healthy emotional adult. A healthy parent half of the time is critical and can actually create a strong emotionally well developed child. if you stay in the marriage because you don’t think u want the child to be a part of a broken home or you believe God will be disappointed in you- think again….. 

So how does narcissistic parenting affect children?

  • The child won’t feel heard or seen.
  • The child’s feelings and reality will not be acknowledged.
  • The child will be treated like an accessory to the parent, rather than a person.
  • The child will be more valued for what they do (usually for the parent) than for who they are as a person.
  • The child will not learn to identify or trust their own feelings and will grow up with crippling self-doubt.
  • The child will be taught that how they look is more important than how they feel.
  • The child will be fearful of being real, and will instead be taught that image is more important than authenticity.
  • The child will be taught to keep secrets to protect the parent and the family.
  • The child will not be encouraged to develop their own sense of self.
  • The child will feel emotionally empty and not nurtured.
  • The child will learn not to trust others.
  • The child will feel used and manipulated.
  • The child will be there for the parent, rather than the other way around, as it should be.
  • The child’s emotional development will be stunted.
  • The child will feel criticized and judged, rather than accepted and loved.
  • The child will grow frustrated trying to seek love, approval, and attention to no avail.
  • The child will grow up feeling “not good enough.”
  • The child will not have a role model for healthy emotional connections.
  • The child will not learn appropriate boundaries for relationships.
  • The child will not learn healthy self-care, but instead will be at risk of becoming co-dependent (taking care of others to the exclusion of taking care of self).
  • The child will have difficulty with the necessary individuation from the parent as he or she grows older.
  • The child will be taught to seek external validation versus internal validation.
  • The child will get a mixed and crazy-making message of “do well to make me proud as an extension of the parent, but don’t do too well and outshine me.”
  • The child, if outshining the parent, may experience jealousy from the parent.
  • The child is not taught to give credit to self when deserved.
  • The child will ultimately suffer from some level of post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and/or anxiety in adulthood.
  • The child will grow up believing he or she is unworthy and unlovable, because if my parent can’t love me, who will?
  • The child is often shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent and will grow up with poor self-esteem.
  • The child often will become either a high achiever or a self-saboteur, or both.
  • The child will need trauma recovery and will have to re-parent themselves in adulthood.

Give yourself permission to really think long and hard if you are living in a home filled with conflict- you might be better served to take a courageous step and protect your kids and leave. Remember children need one healthy emotional adult. Be that healthy adult. Know the NARCs drug of choice is conflict and they thrive on conflict which is why the family court system is a rich environment for the NARC to feed and prey on. So you must equip yourself with the proper tools and get ready to battle. NBG! can help you.

That’s it for today.

Talk to you next time in when The Family Court Changes is back in session.

Until then, this blog post is adjourned.