April 14, 2020

Episode #4: The Negative Narcies

Bridget Morris and Lisa West define ‘Negative Narcies’ and teach how to minimize the chaos caused by a NARC in your life.

Britt and Lisa use a football game as an analogy to describe the process of control and manipulation executed by the NARC. In the first quarter, the NARC will attempt to influence you by demonstrations of attention and affection, called ‘love bombing,’ to gain your trust and make you think highly of them. They then move on to Negative Narcies in the second quarter, which are negative thoughts implanted in your mind by the NARC to incite self-doubt.


The Purpose of the Negative Narcies

The purpose of Negative Narcies is to control who you are dependent upon: the NARC makes you distrust your friends, family, and yourself, isolating you from everyone but them. Lisa describes the process as “slow cooking,” and the NARC as the “subtle chef.” Britt and Lisa warn that snippets of the first quarter will reappear in the second quarter if the NARC believes that you might be detaching from him or her. Those snippets are psychological manipulations intended to reignite feelings of love and adulation. 

Britt and Lisa do not teach the ‘no-contact’ method of dealing with narcissistic abuse, as they do not believe it is the best method of detachment, but agree that it is necessary in certain circumstances such as cases of physical abuse. Generally, no-contact does not teach you the most important step of emotional distancing. 

“You cannot always control your first thought, but you can control your second one.” It’s normal to be stressed or in a state of chaos, worry, self-doubt and fear when you have a relationship with a NARC, so your first thought after they execute their plays will more often than not be negative. However, it is important that you take control of the thoughts that follow. You must “unlearn the Negative Narcies and the language of self-doubt, and replace them with positivity.” If you engage in this mental exercise every time a negative thought comes in your mind, the frequency of the Negative Narcies decreases over time until all you have are positive first thoughts.

Four to Soar

The four steps of the NBG Pause, the “Four to Soar,” are: 

  1. Remind yourself that you must change because the NARC won’t; 
  2. Remind yourself that the NARC thrives on your emotions; 
  3. Give yourself permission to thoughtfully and peacefully detach from the current situation; and 
  4. Create a kind mind and life. 

Britt and Lisa discuss what each step means and why they are important. Understand that this mental exercise will take as long as necessary for you to accept and acknowledge what is going on and identify what needs to be done, they advise. 

The Rule Changer

Using one of the provided game cards, Britt and Lisa describe the Rule Changer play. The NARC changes the “rules” or expectations mutually agreed upon by both of you to benefit them; that means you have to abide by the rules but they don’t have to.

How do I help someone who I believe is the target of a NARC?

The question of this episode is: ‘How do I help someone whom I believe is a target of a NARC?’ Britt and Lisa say to practice empathy, offer a listening ear, ensure that you are not coming off as judgmental, and shift the focus onto the suspected target and not the NARC. 

To assist listeners, Britt and Lisa are reducing the cost of their coaching sessions to $33/hr per session for the months of April and May. They will be providing seven hours of coaching in total, daily support, and access to join their private community. They are also making a full book available on their website.